These are words that I’ve been grappling with in my heart the last few weeks. Words that I know all too well can make or break the big decisions in my life.
If you’ve been around this little space very long, you know I’m a self-professed control freak. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m a big fan of making my own plans and just praying that God will approve of them. In my own head, I am the expert on me and know what’s best for me. I know what feels safe and comfortable, and I do not let go of my comfort zone or security easily. After all, I am the one who has to deal with the consequences of my choices, right? Why would I want to let that go?
But lately? Every time I sit down to write or listen to a podcast or read, I seem to be hit from all sides with the word surrender.
Truth: I’m a planner by nature. But not the type of planner who gets caught up in the details. I used to be, back in the days where I wrote out my plan for the day to the minute, including snack breaks and travel time to and from events. (No, I’m not joking. I actually did that for many years in college.)
Nowadays, I’m more of a vision girl. I like the big picture. I tend to live in a constant state of “What’s next?” and have been told on more than one occasion that I can get tunnel-vision when I’m knee-deep in a project. If you need to get something accomplished, I’m your girl. I won’t eat, won’t sleep, won’t stop until I’ve moved from point A to point B. The problem with that in my life right now, above and beyond the incessant needs of all my little people, is that I have no idea what my life is going to look like in a year.
That’s scaring me out of my mind.
In high school, I was dreaming about college.
In college, I was dreaming about starting my career.
In my first year job, I was dreaming about getting married.
On our honeymoon, I was dreaming having a family.
On my son’s first birthday, I was dreaming about giving him a sibling.
Once his sister was over her 12 MONTH episode of colic (yes, it actually did last a full year), we began praying about adoption.
Once Brooks came home, we began the process to build a house.
Do you see the pattern?
I’ve spent the last 20 years dreaming of what’s next.
And now, we’re blissfully moving through our life as a family of five with no planned changes on the horizon, and I find myself literally paralyzed with fear at times because I don’t know what’s ahead.
I know for many people, this would be a state of bliss. It would feel like a moment to breathe and soak in the present and slow down for a lot of you. Some days, I see it that way; others, I fight to feel like I have purpose.
So I find myself in a season of surrender.
I don’t know what’s ahead for me. Is God calling me to a new job? Is He calling me to simply take a seat at the table I’ve spent the last 15 years building and soak it all in? Does He have something ahead that isn’t even on my radar yet?
As hard as this season is, I know that opening my hands to what He has in store for my future is all I can do. He’s asking me to tap the breaks, to trust, and to believe that His plans are good…even if my control issues want me to take the helm now more than ever.
So, for now, I’m letting go of that white-knuckle grip on my trajectory and opening my heart to this next chapter. It doesn’t have a title yet, but I know it’ll be one for the books.