I’ve written about waiting and trusting in God’s timing before, but when I did, it was more directed at my readers and encouraging others.
Today, this post is for me.
I’ve been an absolute wreck the last few weeks, literally causing myself physical pain through my anxiety over our first delay in our adoption process. That one last document we need to finish authenticating at the Consulate…well, it’s still there. What should be a four day turn around has been there for two weeks. It has made me literally crazy, and today, I’m done holding tightly to this stronghold of control. I’m giving it up. I’m letting go.
(Cue Elsa on the snowy mountain.)
Here’s the thing…at the end of the day, control is a facade. And that’s hard for control freaks like me to understand. I walk around 95% of the time with a FALSE sense of control. At times, it becomes an idol for me. It is easier for me to white knuckle through life full of anxiety and tension and stress than it is to let go and trust that a bigger and much more qualified God is in control.
And that is just plain silly, y’all.
What FREEDOM there is in letting go! The reality is that I am merely a steward of what He’s given me. Time, health, money, family…these are all gifts that HE controls. My job is use these blessings to spread His kingdom. He never asks us to be in control…He asks us to trust.
My best friend Erica loves to remind me of my planner in college. Back when I thought life was so stressful (oh, how I’d love to go back and slap that college girl silly…you have no idea how good you have it right now, sorority girl!), I felt a need to control everything my literally scheduling every 15 minutes of my day. No lie. I scheduled “travel time” between classes, snack breaks, workouts, everything. I was the least spontaneous person you’d ever met, and I needed Lexapro just to cope with it all.
Friends, this is not living.
So today, I’m going to find JOY in the season God is walking me through right now. Is it frustrating to know that the Consulate is basically holding our dossier hostage with that one paper? YES. Is it hard to wrestle with the fact that our dossier will go out two or three weeks later than anticipated due to this delay and the Chinese New Year? YES. But, God didn’t ask me to understand why. He asks me to let go, to trust, and to live in the moment. And today, I’m choosing joy. I may not have a dossier in China today, but I have a wonderful workplace with incredible women where I get to spend my morning, and afternoon to spend with a dear friend, and a weekend of family fun ahead. And I am going to find JOY in the exact moment God has placed me.
And when that day comes that our dossier is done, we meet our son, and all of this is behind us? I have a feeling I will look back and realize that God is truly in the details of all this. He has a perfect plan for our family…delays and all.
Happy Friday, friends!
2 thoughts on “Finding Joy in the Waiting…A Letter to Myself”
Oh how I sometimes miss crazy scheduled 19 year old Allison! 😉 Your post is a great reminder for all of us self-proclaimed control freaks, that we are not the ones ultimately in control!
Ha! Oh girl, I definitely do NOT miss my overscheduled college life! 😉 I was so nutty!